Sushi is the only food that is honorable. If you want to make sushi, you have to wear a robe and a headband. If you make sushi without wearing a headband, I don't want to alarm anyone, but we could all die.

The headband has Japanese writing on it. I don't know what it says, but here are some guesses:
1. Hello. I like touching raw fish.
2. If you sneeze and I do not say gezeundheit, it is because I am sort of busy.
3. The one who dies with the most toys wins.

I am trying to make bar-b-que more honorable. I have friends over, "before I prepare the burgers, allow me to put on my great grandfather's bathrobe."

So George Bush is President, the next big movie to come out is "Crocodile Dundee". I don't want anyone to panic but we're in a time warp. Today I was breakdancing to the soundtrack from "Ghostbusters." The best thing to do is for us to quietly sneak into Canada and hide out until it becomes the year 2000 again.

I think hoof-and-mouth disease is bad, but if anyone deserves it, it's Europeans. Because they're always going, "Americans are so stupid and arrogant and undignified." Yeah, well at least our cows don't have cow herpes.

There are all these numbers you can call to report a shooting to get a reward.

If I see a shooting, I'm calling the cops.

I'm not going to wait until I'm low on cash and then go, "How can I make some money this week? I did witness that brutal murder. I guess it's about time to report that."

I've been watching Survivor. I don't know who to root for. It's really tearing my family apart, because my Mom is Ogakur and my Dad is Barramundi, so I'm half each.

People have such prejudice against both tribes. You can imagine how I got teased growing up:
"Mongrel of two tribes that don't even exist. Fake TV tribe boy. Kid whose parents are from a TV show that isn't going to come on the air until the year 2001."
Kids can be so cruel.

First our submarine ruins a Japanese boat, then our spy plane hits the Chinese. Asian people must be like, "maybe you guys are the ones who are bad drivers."

This thing with the Chinese and the spyplane has gone too far. It has to be resolved.

This weekend, I was flying my radio controlled airplane in a Chinese restaurant and they took it and are demanding an apology. I want them to apologize.

My favorite holiday is Mother's Day. Because I love shooting off fireworks indoors. I usually wake my Mom up with an M80.

I hunt, but I don't use a gun. I convince the animals to kill themsleves.

"Come on, you're never going to amount to anything. It's all worthless. What's the point? We're all going to die anyway."

I used to run marathons in my free time. The reason I stopped is I was at the sixteenth mile of a race, and I thought "instead of doing this, I could not do this."
It's the same reason I stopped lighting my hair on fire.

There's a lot of rejection in this business. People wonder if I ever get used to the rejection. Because as a seventeen year old who was only five feet half inch tall, I got used to rejection. Girls won't even let you get the sentence out.
"Say Saturday, if you're not..."
"No."
There's nothing you can really do either, except to only let people see you seated. And then they think you're really lazy. Of course, you could find someone who isn't superficial, who doesn't care about appearance. But all of those people are dead.

I got my first massage ever -- Swedish. There's a fine line between Swedish massage and getting your ass kicked.

It's like if someone were beating you up and you go, "to the left a bit - right there - thanks, that feels great. Not on the face, thanks."

The Swedes have their own kind of massage. So do China and Japan. Certain countries have no kind of massage. You never ask, "could I have an Ulan Baturnese massage? Do you guys do Argentinian massage?" Let's face it, any country without it's own kind of massage is not a country at all. It's just a group of people who are kidding themselves.

If you own a television or radio station, you can stop testing the emergency broadcast system. It works. If we hear a loud noise and see something on the screen that says "emergency" we're not going to say, "wow, this is a really bad episode of 'friends'".

we'll know it's a nuclear war.

thank you, and goodnight.

I did my own taxes for the first time this year.

Now I understand why my Dad beat us every April.

I was wishing I had a kid, just so I could beat him.

Message to the food industry: banana chips suck. Stop selling them. We're not going to buy them. They're not a gold mine. They're not the next potato chip. Your market research was wrong.

Also, carob. There's not a huge outcry for weak-ass non-chocolate. Call me when you have something worth eating, that I don't have to buy from a DeadHead.

I got a ticket to Italy for $300. The only downside is I have to fly Fiery Crash Airlines.

Their slogan: "Fiery Crash -- we fly to Italy and sometimes we actually make it. But not usually"